I suspect that at least 50% of what comes through my letter box goes straight in the bin without me even reading it. Along with time travel and teleportation, in my spare time I’m working on ideas to detect and divert directly to the bin leaflets advertising takeaway pizza, never to be repeated broadband/telephony deals and insurance quotes (addressed “to the householder”). Though I rather enjoy those quirky and unintentionally amusing catalogues that come through the door, selling unique accessories for the home, the elderly and the disabled. I mean, who wouldn’t want a plastic cake cutter/knife exactly in the shape of a cake portion – so you can just press it through the cake (though you may destroy the cake trying to get it out). Who wouldn’t want a plastic tube in which to store your supermarket bags under the sink?

As it turns out, the postman delivered something quite welcome, albeit slightly bent in a stiff “do not bend” envelope. Last week I was notified that I’d successfully passed all my modules in the CQI certificate in quality and here was my certificate (for the certificate – as it were). I had forgotten because there is such a long time between sitting exams, submission of assignments and getting the confirmed results. Lots of students have received their GCSE and A-level results for multiple subjects over the past couple of weeks, so my single extra qualification seemed somewhat lame. After listening to others talk about results, I piped up “I got my result last week too”. After a palpable silence, this was followed by a marked period of feigned, but respectful interest (I guess Quality never made it on the A-level syllabus (that could open up a can of worms)). At my age, I’ll settle for any interest I can get.

I’m sure I should be prouder of my achievement, of course I should. It took quite a bit of time and effort. But, I think I’m more relieved it’s all over. Anti-climax after exams is normal (as it seems is the lack of interest in Quality, though Robert Pirsig’s combined quality/philosophy novel Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance was a popular read). But it’s as well to remind myself of how I’d have felt if I hadn’t passed. Now that would be a stuffer. The truth is qualifications are just travelling companions. They’re not an end in themselves, they’re something you collect en route and use to get where you want to be. Poetry in motion…hand me the box of tissues….

I note that astronomers have recently discovered a new planetary system 127 light years away – that’s very nearly the height of the combined expense claims of MPs and MEPs. Coincidentally, it’s also broadly equivalent to the gulf in perception of wrong-doing between politicians and the people (though given half the chance, who wouldn’t do the same – oh the slippery slope). Don’t you just love it when people express astronomical figures in terms of common everyday objects like 22 London buses or 52 elephants or 3 blue whales or 412 big macs?

I mention the planetary system because we may be needing a new one sooner than you think. If we load all our Health and Safety people into a rocket ship and send them over they could cover the new planet in rubber or something (latex just doesn’t suit some people) to make it safe before the main party arrives. Doubtless, they’d need the services of lawyers (for any unforeseen local alien legislation), politicians (there may be some tricky negotiations with indigenous life forms) and estate agents (for that all important land purchase), so we should send them too. I’m sure we’d all be very grateful and we’d just have to cope in their absence. It would be difficult but there we are.

As it happens, earlier this month I took a short break to Brussels which is quite a rich cultural city. In addition to its vast collection of gothic and art deco architecture and the fabulous Atomium (in the shape of a body-centred cubic iron crystal), it has a modern European quarter. This houses the august organs of the European Union: the Council of Ministers, European Commission, and the European Parliament (which also sits in Strasbourg). There are of course the various committees which have to have their own buildings too (would you want to share?) and about a planetful of administrators, professional lobbyists and others. If they were all gone, we would miss them dearly.

As I said, we may be needing a planet sooner than you think. The recent protracted, extreme rainfall and flooding in Pakistan and, more recently, Niger is a trend that might just be down to man’s influence on the climate. Aid agencies are at full stretch and the inevitable disease outbreaks are just around the corner. Regardless of your views on man’s influence on the climate it is difficult to be prepared for disasters of this magnitude or do much to prevent them in the short term. It is also quite easy to ignore them (or at least forget) when they don’t directly affect you. We can however, help mitigate their effects and, although far more is needed, the generosity of global nations has been very welcome. It’s a good thing too – doing the right thing (the “moral reason”) is at the heart of every good safety practitioner’s motivation for managing HSE.

I know that there are many out there eagerly awaiting the wonderfully technical, subversive and deliciously evil Physical Agents (Electromagnetic Fields) Directive to enter into force. Ok, I admit they’re dull, but I wanted to spice it up a little. I don’t know of any other type of legal instrument that so over uses the phrase “Having regard” to start a sentence. James Clerk Maxwell would probably have a fit if he were alive today – sadly he died around 120 years ago.

Who I hear you say? James Maxwell? He’s up there with the greats – he’s an Isaac Newton but someone you’d actually like (Newton was, by all accounts, quite objectionable and that wig was so… Newtonian; in contrast, Maxwell didn’t wear a wig and was therefore a delightful fellow). Maxwell managed to connect (forgive the pun) electricity and magnetism – seeing them as different forms of interacting energy. He’s the one that calculated that this electromagnetic energy can generate waves that travel through the “aether” at the same speed as light – this deduction lead him to suggest that light was in fact a transverse electromagnetic wave i.e. self-propagating electric and magnetic fields that oscillate at right angles to the direction of travel. This is all confirmed standard stuff now, but it was a revelation at the time. We like Maxwell. I’d better stop there….there’s a law against liking dead people too much.

So, this EMF directive applies to a select range of non-ionising electromagnetic radiation with frequencies up to 300 GHz. It’s stuff like power lines (50 Hz in the UK), radio waves (which are notably used in medical applications like Magnetic Resonance Imaging) and microwaves (used for communications). People want it so much it’s been delayed once – oh the irony of creating a directive purely to delay another in some self-serving bureaucratic hell is not lost on me. It was supposed to come in during 2008 but was delayed to 2012 (I note that these are both Olympic years, which probably well-describes the process). This is to allow them enough time to do a “full impact assessment” (including lunches and expenses) of the proposals – you are supposed to do this with children, where you leave them on the naughty step to think through what they have done. In reality they just get distracted…now where was I, yes, it looks set to be delayed again as more wrangling continues. Looks like there’ve been a few arguments over dinner – I hope they’ve managed to find at least a morsel of time to do some work between courses.

To some the real problem seems to be that the existing proposals are unworkable. The well-intentioned “precautionary principle” (i.e. assume everything is out to get you and hide under the mattress) has, based on limited and equivocal evidence, lead to overblown controls for risks that either don’t really exist or are insignificant. Well, you can never have too many risk assessments…..

A recent story emerged about the Department for Communities & Local Government being issued with an Enforcement Notice for breaches of Fire Safety Legislation . You might think that having such a silly name was reason enough to take action. The name was probably arrived at by committee. Oh, the irony of having “local Government” in the title when it’s a central Whitehall bureaucracy.

Anyway, one of their many areas of influence is standards setting in Fire & Resilience. The latter implies a tough but somewhat passive stance, the exercise of which should now stand them in good stead. They produce some rather good sector-specific fire safety guides, if you can be bothered to look. It’s not the usual, dull, government stuff either – colour pictures, brazenly pragmatic checklists and templates, shamelessly clear English. So, since they’ve had their collar felt by the law, I’m guessing they may not have read it themselves.

Yesterday, I attended the NEBOSH graduation ceremony at Warwick University. Even though it wasn’t the weekend, this was an opportunity for everyone to dress up in sweltering gowns fashionable only 500 years ago, have their souls captured by a camera obscura, eat things that they do not recognise and develop early signs of carpel tunnel syndrome from repeated clapping. And was it all worth it? Most emphatically yes. Call it euphoria or just entering into the spirit of it, but it is good to see so many people reaching their goal and receiving visible recognition. Special congratulations to RRC student Nicola Worley who received a prize for the best candidate in Unit D of the National Diploma. It’s right and proper to celebrate it and although I wasn’t receiving anything myself, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I wasn’t even a gate crasher, though it did occur to me that a well dressed, self-assured student with some initiative could survive quite well off these things in the Summer.

And, as if that wasn’t enough, it was a rather good lunch, congenial company and welcome air conditioning. I must admit to having slightly more wine than I had intended (well, I had intended to abstain, so that was easy and I was drinking for two in any case – a colleague had to cancel at the last minute). That could explain the general feeling of well-being and the ill-advised compulsion to peruse the University bookshop whilst waiting for the bus – I do love physics text books with their extremely dense mathematics and yet titles such as “elementary quantum mechanics”. It makes one look intelligent simply to be seen reading it.

Given the erudite surroundings and the penchant for Latin mottos on University coat of arms, I mused, inspired by the good wine, whether the safety profession might adopt a similar approach. It doesn’t have to mean anything and surely it would do wonders for our credibility. We could even keep the true meaning a secret – a sort of double, double meaning for the cogniscenti. So, in an effort to be helpful, I profer: video te care agitans asinum – forgiving the school-boy latin poor grammar, loosely translates as I see you babe, shaking that ass (or donkey). I think it could work. It could be timeless. There could be a handshake and everything. Renault automobile company, I thank you for introducing it to the nation. Looks even better in Greek: Βλεπω σε, Παιδιον, σαλευεις εκεινην την ονον. (Forgive the lack of accents, blame it on incompetence, there’s so much of it to go round…) or possibly Klingon…. Stupid phrases look great in a different language. The medical profession have been doing it for years.

For part of today I’ve been messing with conveying learning using ironic comedy sketches. I’ve done some of this before with audio podcasts. We produced 24 episodes over 2 years until it ceased to be fun. Oh how I jest – those lavish lunches at the recording studio were playing havoc with my waistline, my fingers getting ever fatter and therein lies the reason for my phobia of texting.

This time I was using video animation and applying it to contractor selection (see my results on YouTube). Humour sometimes doesn’t travel and this has lead some to discourage its use entirely in training – I bet those training sessions are fun. It’s too big a risk and it can upset people. It’s true it can but if you take the time to build good relationships with your ‘students’ as well, it’s pretty obvious that you’re not being malicious or trying to offend someone. It’s often about context and relationships. Everywhere in life, someone will be offended by something. In fact, curiously, you even find quite a lot of people who are offended on behalf of others – even though the ‘others’ are not actually offended. Now that’s odd.

Humour though can make a point well and make it memorable, so long may it continue.

I am probably not alone in my dislike of exams. I have heard of at least some who get a real buzz from it but they usually have no friends and are either dreadfully insecure or objectionably arrogant, just like some MENSA members I know.

You can go a long way these days and not see an exam. In fact about 6 months ago, I had cause to take an exam in Quality Management and felt dreadfully put out by the whole revision and cramming process. It quite spoilt my Christmas holidays and I’m sure I was objectionable to the rest of my family. Indeed, if I had spotted Father Christmas himself I would have certainly given him a case of humbug; I cannot stand jollity when I am forced to suffer.

In revising, even though I knew what to do and all the pitfalls, the temptation to delay, procrastinate and otherwise avoid the actual act of revision was immense. It didn’t quite start out that way but when you’ve gone over the same old tired stuff for the 15th time, you would sooner shoot steel pipe into your eyes (I know, I’ve tried), rather than get to it.

And don’t get me started on tackling past exam questions. You know you should but you’re on a knife-edge. Do you open that Pandora’s box of disappointment, demotivation and self-loathing when the questions don’t seem at all related to the course? Or, do you live in blissful denial and save it all for the moment you turn over the real exam paper? Such a dilemma, which one should I choose….

But this is where networking and feedback can help a great deal. I’m not just talking about sharing the suffering – all you need is a can of petrol, a balaclava and fast car for that; no, I’m talking about dialogue with other students and tutors and relieving the sense of isolation, tackling past exam questions as a group (to gain confidence and practice problem-solving skills) and getting feedback and tips from your tutors. You don’t have to even be in the same room these days – sometimes it best not to be – what with things like chat, flash meeting, forums and social networking sites.

I admit, if you don’t have any friends (or at least those that might tolerate your presence), or you happen to be an accountant, it’s a tough one, but lack of friends is probably a self-fulfilling prophesy. But, if you are on a particular course, you do at least have adversity in common.

Mobile learning is, well, learning on the move. For many years it’s been touted as a complete replacement for all other methods. It stands to reason, everyone fiddles uncontrollably with something, why not a mobile device? I mean, it’s probably even healthy if you’re trying to give up smoking. It’s probably non-fattening too or at least can help you lose weight as part of a calorie controlled diet…..

I think there’s now a realisation that it isn’t the total solution that was promised. That doesn’t mean to say it’s rubbish or it’s a fad. Instead, it shoudl be seen as part of the learning solution. It’s especially good at supporting students outside the classroom. For goodness sake, we can even download missed lectures on quantum mechanics from iTunes these days (I bet that’s a big seller).

But, mobile learning doesn’t stop at iTunes and smartphones. Mobile learning is anything that can be taken with you (I don’t mean a wodge of papers here – but i suppose it is really – or even a dog). Often it’s just a matter of making things available in electronic form and the right format. 3GP is the standard video format for just about all mobile phones (smart phones or not) and mp3 or AAC for audio. If you have a smart phone like the Blackberry (certainly, a little fruity) or iPhone or smart devices like iPod Touch or iBook, there are numerous applications that can be developed and dowloaded. Some of these are even useful and have a point and are beginning to be used for learning (including H&S courses).

The cognoscenti can even download files to their computer and transfer these to their phone via bluetooth, IR or even micro-memory card, thus avoiding network charges. As great as these are, they don’t replace all the other learning assets. See them as a handy solution that fits in with a part of your lifestyle. Undoubtedly as technology gets better the distinction between mobile learning and other modes will blur – you’ll be able to do so much as you’re out and about that you’ll probably get run over by a rickshaw in Covent Garden whilst learning cantonese…..

You may or may not have been affected by the volcano which cannot be named. It cannot be named, not because of some Harry Potteresque reason but because it is simply unpronouncable by most human beings, unless you happen to Icelandic. The Volcano has had its 15 minutes (well, 6 days) of fame. The BBC has even launched a pronunciation guide for it – now that’s real fame. Up until then, I was being a lazy reader and just sort of glossing over the name or referring to it as that Volcano in (or rather under) Iceland.

The incident raises some inconvenient safety issues. On the one hand, people are pretty happy to abide by safety restrictions, provided it seems sensible AND provided it doesn’t inconvenience you too much (or at least, not for very long). Six days is intolerable – especially if you’re living out of suitcase.

On the other hand you have the Aviation regulator (endearingly called NATS) who have the difficult burden of being damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Their decision now seems shakey and overreactive at best. But I have a good deal of sympathy with them. Because of the potential for a plane crash (where everyone dies), tolerable concentration guidelines for volcanic ash had been set very conservatively and up until then, it really hadn’t mattered because such incidents were pretty rare.

The fallout (probably ash actually) from the recent major disruption has caused them to bow to pressure (did I say that), sorry, to re-examine the evidence more scientifically and set a more realistic figure. This sort of thing happens all the time in lots of areas (occupational exposure limits frequently change as do recommendations on what you should eat to avoid cancer….). That’s because, frequently we have to moderate/interpret objective evidence with judgement and experience (now that sounds too close to risk assessment for comfort). We have to judge what is an acceptable risk and that can depend very much on not only what evidence or assumptions (i.e guesses) we have at the time but also who is taking the risk, our own sensibilities and public/political opinion.

Reviewing, refining, adapting to technical progress (and learning from mistakes) is just what happens. Potential problems never seem too important when things are running smoothly.

Annoyingly, the reporters and Icelanders seemed to be enjoying themselves far too much and saying that Volcanoe’s name far too fluently. Now, repeat after me Eyjafjallajokull…..

I recently embraced Oyster. I’m not talking about aphrodisiacs, shell fish allergies or any combination of the two. Instead, I mean the smart card system on London Transport. The card certainly isn’t smart, not in the Kensington or even Tate Modern sense. It can be loaded with cash and effectively acts like an electronic ticket. I used something similar in Hong Kong’s MTR system some 10 years ago.
The smart bit is that it automatically calculates your fare for various journeys and even utilises fare capping so you don’t pay too much. I think though, ‘smart’ probably means that it may come back to hurt you.

My use of Oyster all went well, for a time, being careful to ‘touch in and touch out’ at stations and, especially DLR. But I had a problem at Vauxhall station. Refusing to let me pass, the barrier shrieked “seek assistance”. Not having my psychiatrist’s number to hand, I instead talked to a guard. After several more tries, the barrier capitulated and let me through. The next day, I discovered Mr Oyster had charged me an extra £6 for an “uncompleted journey” and he was otherwise keeping his mouth firmly closed on the subject. Instead of the pearl of flexibility and convenience I thought I was buying, it turned into the grit of uncertainty.

Had it not been for a few other instances, I was just going to take the loss on the chin. But I began to suspect that the card was faulty. Since fortune favours the foolhardy, I like a lamb to the slaughter, engaged an attendant at Canary Wharf. I should have guessed by his demeanour and constant head-shaking as each customer left dissatisfied that he may not be customer focused. Unhelpfully, he concluded that the ‘uncompleted journey’ and all other instances were all my fault and that I must remember to ‘touch in and touch out’ (a phrase that is probably a truism for life in general no doubt). The technology did not lie.

Despite me protesting that this was precisely what I had done, I had witnesses to that effect and that perhaps the card was faulty, he could do nothing and instead I had to phone the helpline. Instead, I ‘sought assistance’ again at Waterloo. This instead was a master class in customer care. Not only was he prepared to believe me (that the card might be faulty) he credited all the overcharges and transferred the balance to a new card for good measure.

The customer care contrast was stark. The first presented a jaded, suspicious, ‘don’t waste my time’ attitude, treating customers like idiots. The second a customer focused, empowered, satisfying (I use that term loosely, but you know what I mean) encounter. I don’t appreciate being passed from pillar to post. I expect people to at least listen to me and take me seriously. Of course some customers are chancers, trying it on. But, being prepared to believe someone and at least trying to sort it out makes a big difference. My faith in London Transport was restored. I might even trust the ‘smart card’ to get it right.

Whether you like it or not, your people are your company; they have the potential to give good or bad impressions to customers in whatever capacity they work. When I finally die and leave this earth, I must remember to touch out. Although, I don’t remember whether I touched in when I arrived……